The realization of self loss.

Where have I come?
Where have I gone?
Its been a while since this voice
Influenced many
Called out to the world
In such a strife that
Things,
Began to move.
Where has she gone?
Where have I gone?
Time has since passed since
Stomping on stanges
Seemed appropreately right
And wrong were the ones who
Stifled.
Sing out in rage, wonder, self
exploration.
Words erupting now in a sense of
Frusteration.
Where are you?
Where am I?

(c) Sarah Beth 2012

Days

Wake up
This life quickly begins
With circles upon circles.
This morning the hard
Chilled air ruffles me to rise
Memorized motion I crawl over her,
Coffee.
Days behind the night
Time to catch up with the working
World bringing them name brand
Caffeine, Starting their late rising
Ways to their desks and pens.
Fueling and refueling, until the
Final
Crash, wake up,
Do it again.

(c) Sarah Beth 2012

Circles

Bright eyes lit with darkness
In a place that feels rightly
Wrong
Pillow in place of partner
I am alone.
Cry myself to wake
Dreams of home
Haunt the sleeping day.
I wish hard,
Popping brain cells trying to
Teleport, just outside,
Just..
Warm.
Chills encompass the sterile walls
So the heat waves reach toward me,
Yearning for my touch.
The days never seem to end,
Begin,
Middle,
Just, here.

(c) Sarah Beth 2012

Hard Pressed

Today
I sleep
Or try,
Eyes shut hard
A knock at the door.
I do not want  to come
Out and play.
Alone I lay,
In the brightness of my own
Prison
Once mine
Now a bitter reminder of
My wasted days.
Sheet drawn tight
Over my head as I write
The doctor is not in.
Better,
I try,
But I break
In lack of accomplishment.
In no way do I crave attention
But
Gratitude.
An action not often performed.
I do, but
Apparently I do not.
Equivalent exchange shows
No bounty.

(c) Sarah Beth 2012

Blue Bean

Right with that right
Loin squirming sickness
Her body exposed and gone again.

I lie in agony and bitter frusteration
As she sleeps,
Soundly,
Knowing full well.
(c) Sarah Beth 2012

The unconsious poet.

She speaks softly,
In sonnets so simple she does not
Even understand the beauty her
Words
Hold for me.

(c) Sarah Beth 2012

hm.

I want nothing more then to
fuck the world.
Listen to her scream,
force it.
Until tears rained down from the sky and
earthquakes rocked her body.

(so, I found this piece in my phone in my notepad where I write when I'm without paper. dunno when I might've written it, but I like it.)

.let it be

Now,
my world is balanced.
My world is as light as it is dark
My world is becoming my own,
what I have let it be.
Because I will let it be,
and accept rather then fight it.


Fate is my explanation,
or perhaps karma,
destiny,
luck,
stars aligning,
handwriting on the wall.


Whatever it may be.
Bring me in the
dark spotted light,
light spotted dark,
what tomorrow has already
been set as.


Tomorrow I can see myself as
being another statistic
of yet another teen suicide.
But I can see tomorrow as me getting
million dollar lotto ticket
and all my worries will melt.
More likely laying in bed watching --
yet another episode of House,
where I refuse to believe it's not real.

I am ready.
I am 17 years old,
and have the nerve to say
'I can get through this'.


Call it bullshit,
call it a wise thing to do.
But do not call me to ask me
'Why?"
Because I still don't know.


Of a higher power, maybe.
But mostly I 'treck around
telling myself,
'there's always tomorrow I
might have to deal with'


Not 'There's always tomorrow'
because maybe there's not.
I can deal with today.
Today is now, and it's happening,
and in my mind enough,
it is real.


And sometimes,
I couldn't tell you what I'm
seeing is real, but I am real.
I dream so vividly sometimes,
That when I wake up there is confusion.
'I was just petting a
rainbow colored llama!'


I could tell you of the
waves and mixing colored pools,
of green and yellow
and red and blue.
The red jumped at me,
as did the blue,
when their lips met
purple was born.


I could tell you of the
texture of his skin, of the blend of
pure cotton and spider silk,
vicuna and my favorite 'jammies as a kid.
I can remember feeling it with my own fingertip,
and I wanted it to completely embrace me
make the feeling of everything I touch,
this.

I want to breathe in with the universe,
and feel the meaning of 'om'
as we breathe together.
I want to fly high and feel what it's like
to soar,
my feet off the ground and glide free.
Then touch down,
and walk my path.

I want to hold sunshine,
see the wind,
smell the moon,
taste that first 75 degree day of spring,
hear silence.
I also want to feel death,
but I do not wish it upon myself.
It will come as it may,
and I will let it be until then.

I will not be taken aback,
when a love one does pass.
I will let it be,
because their waiting game is over.
They may rest,
whereever they may be,
but where I do not know.


Come to me,
tell me of your woes and hardships,
and I will whisper 'let it be'.
Let it come as it will.
I do not believe in one true meaning of life,
but if I did,
acceptance might just be one of
the describing words.

(c) Sarah Beth
4.1.11 - 4.2.11

oh.

I can smell the demise of the people around me,
Their rotting minds and,
Receeding consiousness.

shatter

Suffocated by a choke of toxins.
I can hear my heartbeat shudder,
In the mist of peace
There is chaos in my mind
I can’t sleep.

Thoughts rumble through my head,
An earthquake during the aftershock,
It comes again as you begin to think it’s over.
My eyes are shut but
Images still fall through.
Dark voices creeping,
Chastising me for every move
I’ve made.

You can ignore some,
People telling you of your wrong doing
But that voice creeping is yours.
A wicked conscience because everything,
Everything is your fault.
You did it.

In these images
Are everyone I’ve wronged.
Him. Her. Them.
Eyes scrutinizing me
Lke a piece of meat
Past my expiration date,
Wondering if I’m still edible.

The oxygen around me has
Taken an exit as well.
Suffocated by a choke of toxins.
My lungs seem to shudder,
Mind shutting down.
I can hear my heartbeat tremble.

Falling apart as the fire inside
Is extinguished.
Let me implode!
Pull myself into
Her
Him
Them
Anyone else but me!

Maybe I could sleep if
She had a good day,
Or he just got laid,
Or they had a great night drinking.
Even then would I still be
Suffocated by a choke of toxin,
Hearing my heartbeat—shatter?

© Sarah Cowlin
3/10/11

Strings

I am the marionette,
And you are my puppet master.
I dance to the beat of uncertainty,
Unsure if I want the strings cut loose.

You hold me,
I am precious.

Your doll to dress and love,
Yet my arms are at your will.
I feel a thousand things for you,
Never once made one decision.

We waltz,
1,2,3.

You are my puppet master,
And I am the marionette.

End

A dam ruptures.
One after another,
Each crack begins to spread.
It spiders out,
And eventually weaves it's self into a web,
The beginning of destruction.
Each starting point is insignificant,
A fluke,
And in the end results in death.

Silence.

Silence.
There's a demand that can never be fed,
A hunger in which we can never fill.
The rush of cars in a big city or the pop of gunfire,
Dogs barking or the chain link fence clinking.
Children cry out as the noise fills their heads,
The darkness not enough shelter.
Palms pressing ears they listen,
And even the sound of their own breathing too much.

Break

She stumbles,
Spewing everything she has gathered
From the last fuck up.
Onto the ground,
Her fingers scrape the pavement
Trying to pick up any shattered remains,
Until they're raw,
Bleeding,
And unrecognizable chucks of
Bone-flesh.

Dry

Drain me
Pull me away from everything.
My friends are no longer mine,
But people who should be distent.
Balance isn't in their vocabulary anymore
Compassion is never recognized.
Her lips press his and it's over,
Dry.

Pretend

She captured me
Showed me what imperfect happiness was
Let me hold her heart and feel it shutter when
My fingers brush her face
Teeth graze her skin softly
Let my arms slide around her waist and lose myself.
Gone as you may be
I know now
There's always the word 'lie'
In believe
The word 'over'
In lover
and the word 'end'
In pretend.

The truth

I want you to take me
Lust for every imperfection
Thrive for every scar,
Every bruise,
And caress me like a goddess.
I want you to feel my unshaven legs,
Run your hands over them,
And love me.

Say what?

Today, one single comment was all it took
Not a word in months,
Yet I begin salavating for your lips.
To feel your rough hands on my waist,
and I begin to drift.

Sarah went from 'Being in a Relationship' to 'Single'.

How long should it be before you're out of my life,
How far should you move?
I'm tired.
Jolts through my chest continuously
Unwelcomed
Revive me.
I'm walking
To maybe put more distance,
Or to get closer,
Because knowing isn't in my vocabulary anymore.

'You don't want to get a booty dart, do you?'

Piss on me yellow walls
In a room that's never quite warm
Never quite cold
Never quite anything
I can sit on the creaking monster
I'm forced to sleep on
Like the crazy person I am

Choking down 'normal' pills
Blue ones and yellow ones
I begin to lose myself
See things
Hear things
And become the person they expected in the first place