hm.

I want nothing more then to
fuck the world.
Listen to her scream,
force it.
Until tears rained down from the sky and
earthquakes rocked her body.

(so, I found this piece in my phone in my notepad where I write when I'm without paper. dunno when I might've written it, but I like it.)

.let it be

Now,
my world is balanced.
My world is as light as it is dark
My world is becoming my own,
what I have let it be.
Because I will let it be,
and accept rather then fight it.


Fate is my explanation,
or perhaps karma,
destiny,
luck,
stars aligning,
handwriting on the wall.


Whatever it may be.
Bring me in the
dark spotted light,
light spotted dark,
what tomorrow has already
been set as.


Tomorrow I can see myself as
being another statistic
of yet another teen suicide.
But I can see tomorrow as me getting
million dollar lotto ticket
and all my worries will melt.
More likely laying in bed watching --
yet another episode of House,
where I refuse to believe it's not real.

I am ready.
I am 17 years old,
and have the nerve to say
'I can get through this'.


Call it bullshit,
call it a wise thing to do.
But do not call me to ask me
'Why?"
Because I still don't know.


Of a higher power, maybe.
But mostly I 'treck around
telling myself,
'there's always tomorrow I
might have to deal with'


Not 'There's always tomorrow'
because maybe there's not.
I can deal with today.
Today is now, and it's happening,
and in my mind enough,
it is real.


And sometimes,
I couldn't tell you what I'm
seeing is real, but I am real.
I dream so vividly sometimes,
That when I wake up there is confusion.
'I was just petting a
rainbow colored llama!'


I could tell you of the
waves and mixing colored pools,
of green and yellow
and red and blue.
The red jumped at me,
as did the blue,
when their lips met
purple was born.


I could tell you of the
texture of his skin, of the blend of
pure cotton and spider silk,
vicuna and my favorite 'jammies as a kid.
I can remember feeling it with my own fingertip,
and I wanted it to completely embrace me
make the feeling of everything I touch,
this.

I want to breathe in with the universe,
and feel the meaning of 'om'
as we breathe together.
I want to fly high and feel what it's like
to soar,
my feet off the ground and glide free.
Then touch down,
and walk my path.

I want to hold sunshine,
see the wind,
smell the moon,
taste that first 75 degree day of spring,
hear silence.
I also want to feel death,
but I do not wish it upon myself.
It will come as it may,
and I will let it be until then.

I will not be taken aback,
when a love one does pass.
I will let it be,
because their waiting game is over.
They may rest,
whereever they may be,
but where I do not know.


Come to me,
tell me of your woes and hardships,
and I will whisper 'let it be'.
Let it come as it will.
I do not believe in one true meaning of life,
but if I did,
acceptance might just be one of
the describing words.

(c) Sarah Beth
4.1.11 - 4.2.11

oh.

I can smell the demise of the people around me,
Their rotting minds and,
Receeding consiousness.

shatter

Suffocated by a choke of toxins.
I can hear my heartbeat shudder,
In the mist of peace
There is chaos in my mind
I can’t sleep.

Thoughts rumble through my head,
An earthquake during the aftershock,
It comes again as you begin to think it’s over.
My eyes are shut but
Images still fall through.
Dark voices creeping,
Chastising me for every move
I’ve made.

You can ignore some,
People telling you of your wrong doing
But that voice creeping is yours.
A wicked conscience because everything,
Everything is your fault.
You did it.

In these images
Are everyone I’ve wronged.
Him. Her. Them.
Eyes scrutinizing me
Lke a piece of meat
Past my expiration date,
Wondering if I’m still edible.

The oxygen around me has
Taken an exit as well.
Suffocated by a choke of toxins.
My lungs seem to shudder,
Mind shutting down.
I can hear my heartbeat tremble.

Falling apart as the fire inside
Is extinguished.
Let me implode!
Pull myself into
Her
Him
Them
Anyone else but me!

Maybe I could sleep if
She had a good day,
Or he just got laid,
Or they had a great night drinking.
Even then would I still be
Suffocated by a choke of toxin,
Hearing my heartbeat—shatter?

© Sarah Cowlin
3/10/11

Strings

I am the marionette,
And you are my puppet master.
I dance to the beat of uncertainty,
Unsure if I want the strings cut loose.

You hold me,
I am precious.

Your doll to dress and love,
Yet my arms are at your will.
I feel a thousand things for you,
Never once made one decision.

We waltz,
1,2,3.

You are my puppet master,
And I am the marionette.